Cyber Bullying

I have wrestled back and forth with whether or not to post this entry.  But, when it comes down to it, I am pressing "publish" because I just want my boys to know.  I want them to know that cyber bullying just flat out sucks.  I want my boys to know that being the victim of anything online can be really hurtful, and being the inflictor will likely cause regret.  Something recently triggered memories for me that contained some forms of cyber bullying...texts, I.M.'s (remember those), voicemails accompanied with an egging of my house, and blogs.  Each of these experiences for me started with someone I knew, ranging from acquaintances to my best friend.  Each experience was apologized for, so if any of you are out there reading this, please know that I am completely over all these events and am not trying to re-hash out anything or make you feel bad...just wanting my kids to know briefly what happened and why not to do it.


The first two came at roughly the same time.  I was 17, grew a few inches, put a few pounds of weight on with my growth spurt, and was no longer the awkwardly skinny girl.  I had been on one blind date when I was 16, but never intentionally asked out.  I was new to the world of attention from boys, so when I saw a cute one spending a lot of time at the "Mormon wall" in high school even though he wasn't one, I thought he might be interesting to get to know.  Luckily for me he went to my best friend's Christian youth group.  I don't remember exactly how, but she ended up talking to him and arranging a group hang out.  We got to know each other over the next month or so and I kind of liked him.  Well so did one of the people he had formerly spent time with at the Mormon wall.  She had one of her best friends who I had grown up with in my ward leave me a voicemail cussing me out, calling me names, and threatening me to stay away from him (I guess this isn't so "cyber", but they did it in a disguised voice, so to me it felt that way).  She then gathered a group of friends and egged my house.  I was devastated   That's how I was introduced to girls having claim on guys they were interested in.  I ended things with him shortly after.

Fast forward thru the summer.  It was now the beginning of my senior year.  My best friend was a year older and had left for BYU.  We kept in touch through instant messaging.  One day I was having a conversation with her online, and the next thing I know she was calling me names, saying I was a slut, etc.  I was pretty hurt and got off the computer right away.  Moments later she called me to apologize.  Her roommate and other close friend (again people that I had grown up with) had taken over our conversation, but she had let them do it.  She didn't know their "joke" would take the form that it did.

The next incident occurred my sophomore year of college.  A boy from back home that I had been on a few dates with was coming up to Provo with some friends.  We were having a conversation via text while he was driving up.  Mid-conversation I received a text saying "I hate you."  This might not seem like a big deal (way to be oversensitive Ashley), but we actually had had a falling out a few months before and had just started talking again, so I truly thought he sent it.  As it turned out, one of the other two people in the car had taken his phone without him knowing, opened my last text, and then replied with that one.  Once he got his phone back and saw the damage he immediately called and apologized saying it wasn't him that sent it.  He was obviously mad that it happened because a few minutes later I received apology texts from the person who sent the text from his phone.  They claimed ignorance in knowing who they were texting...that they thought it would be funny to just reply to the next text that came in with that response as a joke.  The boy had told me the opposite, that they knew who they were speaking to, so thanks to my other two experiences I was going to defend myself this time around.  It was the wrong thing to do (I'm still sorry), but I called this person on their bluff and didn't accept the apology that, to my knowledge, contained a lie.

I'll keep this last one brief...a blog post was written about my family that put us in a bad light.  It aimed to portray that we felt a certain way, when we in fact didn't.  When my dad saw it he asked that we not respond through commenting.  I respected his wishes.  Then someone anonymously posted a comment saying they were me and that they were upset.  In truth I had been hurt by the blog post, but the fact that someone was going out of their way to make me look even worse was really really hard to watch.  To let it go and not try to defend myself this time around was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.


So my advice to my boys, and anyone else...

Don't take saying things online or in a text lightly.

If someone is not able to see your face and hear the inflections in your voice, it is possible for them to interpret many things as mean even if they aren't meant to be.  Don't hide behind the anonymity that a computer screen can provide...it is cowardly and wrong.

Even if you know the person you are "pranking" very well, please do not choose to use the cyber world as the medium for your prank.

Lastly, if you ever find yourself the victim, be strong.  If you can, follow this advice:
"Live your life in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one else would believe it."

Matters of the Heart

Hey boys, it's me again. Maybe it's bad that I remember this, but I do...today is the 10 year anniversary of me having my first boyfriend (sorry babe).  I dated a little bit before that, but had never called anyone "boyfriend" until then.  So commenced my adventures in dating and trying to discover what I did and didn't want in a future husband.  There were a lot of good things and bad things that came from my first real relationship.  I gained a self-confidence that I surely didn't have before then (perhaps it came from dating someone a reasonable amount younger than myself).  I learned what it felt like to love and be loved.  I got to experience being treated like a lady (never allowed to touch a car door to get in OR out). I learned what it was like to have someone's parents not like you (mainly because they didn't feel like their son was good enough for me...kind of backwards, but I won them over in time).  I learned how hard long-distance dating can be.  I learned what hearing rumors about your boyfriend flirting with other girls while you are 800 miles away feels like.  I learned how heartbreak feels and the sting of being dumped (under the guise of "not wanting to date anymore while preparing for a mission"). How it feels to then hear your ex started dating the very person you always wondered if they had feelings for just a few weeks after you break up (for almost a year at that).  I cried for a week straight, day and night.  I wish I were kidding, but I'm not.

What to know?
Maybe that despite your parents not being fond of them, and despite your friends coming out of the woodwork once you are taken asking you to date them instead and professing their love for you, you will learn important life lessons. Don't expect your first love to be your last love (although sometimes it can work that way). Don't worry that you aren't good enough if someone is able to stop loving you. Sometimes you might be the one doing the heart breaking...do it gently and do it honestly. Relationships can end in the worst emotional pain of your life, but the experiences are worth the risk. Eventually The Lord will put the right person in your path at the right time, and you will be lucky enough to spend eternity with them.

Peer Pressure

I've never been a fan.  Usually when pressed upon to do something that I didn't want to do in the first place, or to do something I know is wrong, my desire to do it is that much less.  I'm not trying to brag to you, but I truly do hope that you grow up with a firm knowledge and belief that the church is true, and that with our obedience there comes a safety and freedom that nothing else can give.  Many in the world will try and convince you that the opposite is true...that our church is one of unnecessary restrictions and limitations.  My hope for you is that you not only stand strong, but that you gain a testimony of the happiness that comes when you choose to be different, to obey the commandments, to follow Christ.  Have the courage to not care what people think when you resist the pressure to give in, and when you don't want to try something "just once".

It was the summer after freshman year.  My friend and I were 15, and were trusted by our parents to go alone to the movies.  They knew that we were going in a group which included a boy that my friend had recently met, and they were ok with that.  The plan was to see the movie "The Perfect Storm".  We were really excited to buy our own tickets for a PG-13 movie...we felt so grown up and responsible.  We were waiting for the rest of the group to arrive and buy their tickets as well.  When the boy arrived that my friend was waiting for (accompanied by his 19-year-old brother) he clearly had different plans.  He said his brother could buy tickets and get us into "Scary Movie", which they both really wanted to see.  My friend didn't want to disappoint them, so she started to agree and go along with their idea.  I didn't want to upset her, but I really didn't care what these two guys I had never met thought of me, so I told her that I was still going to go to the movie that I had already bought tickets for because I didn't watch R-rated movies.

She took about five minutes to decide which movie she was going to.  She really wanted to hang out with this boy she liked.  He was not from our church, but she had let him know that she didn't watch R-rated movies before they had made plans to see one together.  He hadn't respected her values, and she almost gave in.  Just when I thought I would be seeing the movie alone, or calling my parents for a ride, she actually got a little angry and told those boys off.  She had made plans to see a specific movie, they knew that, and she was not going to go alone with two boys that she didn't know very well into a dark theater.  Her unofficial date was not happy about her choice, or my influence, and he quickly went inside with his brother to see "Scary Movie".  

By this point, our movie had already started.  We walked in and didn't know what was happening, so we decided to find the next appropriate movie and go into that instead.  If memory serves correct, we went to see Disney's "The Kid".  

I went home and mentioned nothing to my parents of the adventures of our movie theater trip.  My friend, however, told her parents everything.  They called my parents to let them know how thankful they were for their daughter to have an example like me, and how proud they were that I stood up for what I knew to be right.  She told her parents that she had wavered and was about to give in to peer pressure until I stood against it.  My parents came to me crying and happy to tell me what they had learned.  It was a little embarrassing, and a little gratifying at the same time.

So what do I want you to know?  

Know that the feeling I got when I made my parents proud FAR outweighed any inkling of the feelings of not being cool enough, or popular, or attractive enough to peers of the opposite sex.

Know that you may not impress some of your peers, but you might just impress someone enough to want to have strength, courage, and the will power that you do.

Know that every time you stand up for what you know to be right, the Savior stands with you.  The Holy Ghost is allowed to remain with you.  And me, as well as your Father in Heaven, are more proud of your valiance and virtue than you can even know.

Love, Mom

A mom's guide...

Over the many years that I have used this blog, it has taken the place of my journal.  I always thought I would want to always remember good and bad life experiences (through a journal) so that I could help a future daughter should she need someone to empathize with her through heartbreak, etc.  And now I find myself surrounded by my two sweet boys, and maybe someday they will have a sister, but for now I want to share my experiences with them as advice on how to treat a young woman.  How to be gentlemen.  How to respond to peer pressure.  Many years from now maybe they will stumble upon these entries and get to know my hopes for them as well as more about me before I became their mom.  So for this first one I'll try to keep it a little more light-hearted:

How NOT to treat a Blind Date

In a BYU single's ward activity that involved another ward, my roommate Katie won a game that required her to go on a date with the male winner from the other ward.  He was nice and made plans for a date soon afterwards.  She was not too excited about it, so she asked if I would go with her.  Her date was accommodating and said he'd bring a friend for me.  They came and picked us up from our apartment.  The plan was for us to go to a little cafe on University Avenue in downtown Provo to see a band play.  The ride over was nice enough.  My date was texting while Katie's date led the conversation for the rest of us about the latest Jack Johnson cd.  We arrived at our destination, entered, and as we were walking through the place to find a seat my date "happened" to run into a very attractive girl that he knew and wanted to talk to.  He said he would come sit with us in a minute.

The band came out and started playing.  My date stayed posted up where he was with his female "friend".  After the first set, which was around 30 minutes, my date looked to have no intention of re-joining our group.  Katie's date kept apologizing for his friend, and even offered to get me a drink or smoothie or something since his friend hadn't come back to buy me one himself.  A little more time passed, and I was over the whole situation (not that I was that disappointed).  I didn't think he was that cute, but perhaps talking to him may have changed my perception of him.  To be honest I don't remember how it all ended.  Katie's date offered to take us home shortly after that.  I don't remember if we went without my date or not...that's how indifferent I was to the situation.

I walked away not feeling hurt or sad or anything like that, but I felt truly embarrassed for my date.  I had been on a few blind dates before that one (three that I can specifically remember).  All three were people who knew both me and the guys, and tried setting us up.  Each was disappointing in their own way, but none were as terribly horrible as the experience you've just read.  More than anything I was annoyed at spending the time and effort to get cute for a date that didn't care at all.  I could have worn sweats, no makeup, glasses, and hair in a messy bun, and gotten the same amount of attention.

If this teaches you nothing else my boys, let it leave you with this:

-Respect your date.
-Treat your date like a date.
-Take interest in your date (whether attracted or not).
-Turn your phone on silent and do not take any calls or answer any texts...they can wait.
-Most importantly, don't agree to being set up if you are not going to do all of the above.

Love,
Mom